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Caskets On Parade ...
Disclaimers, Mea Culpas, Legalities, Fine Print & Miscellaneous B.S.

  Caskets On Parade  >  Disclaimers, Mea Culpas, Legalities, Fine Print & Miscellaneous B.S.



General
In order to access pages in this website your computer has reached out electronically through the internet to a server in the United States of America to request computer data --- contrary to the Australian Supreme Court's bizarre interpretation of how the 'net works the points of publication, request & delivery are here in the USA. By accessing this site you have agreed to fully indemnify on demand the site owners/operators for any future expenses associated with that visit (translation - we've never been to Australia --- if you sue us from there (or some other equally crackpot jurisdiction) based upon some violation of their "laws" expect to face a return complaint & demands for immediate compenstation for our losses (don't forget, pain and suffering and emotional distress don't come cheap in the land of hurt feelings). The best thing you can do is get off the 'net, pack your worthless keester in a toxic, non-biodegradable foam coffin and move into the doofus bunker in Rahm Emanuel's basement for the rest of your life.


  N S F W  

Not Safe For Work warning: Increasingly, businesses have clenched their collective sphicters and mandated no "offensive" «whatever» on their officeplace computer monitors. This site contains a whole lot of material that is going to be considered "offensive" by someone, someplace, under some circumstance, for some "reason."

 If you can see the site at home but not see it at work, congratulations — we've been blocked by your workplace, saving you the need to worry about whether you may click on a link to us. Otherwise, clicker beware — somebody in your office is gonna see something in our website that's gonna rile them up, sending them to your supervisor in a pissy-fit, demanding your head on a pike and expecting you to spend a month in purgatory (sensitivity training) before you may return to the workplace. Your boss will send us a nasty email which we will ignore, possibly enraging them into having the corporate lawyer drafting some legaleese drivel which we will also ignore, which will cause the shyster to try to obtain a restraining order against us which will produce a response from us ... a lawsuit against your pinhead boss, your douchebag company & your lameass self.


In order to experience this site in its optimum form we suggest the following software/hardware/connectivity capabilities:

Browser:
full-screen, Frames-enabled; Mozilla, Netscape or Opera; versions 4 or later
CPU:
8Ghz +
Disc Cache Size:
500Tb +
Monitor:
Color; operating at 2,400 by 1,600 pixels, 48 bits-per-pixel
System RAM:
128Gb +
Internet Connectivity:
OC640 +

There is only one browser-specific feature in use in this website: the animated GIF background behind the title (at the top of the main page).


This website is perpetually in various stages of construction. There are always numerous typographical errors and formatting anomalies as we add new entries ... we get to them as fast as we can. Please check the "Whats New" section for news about major changes to the site.


Remember, this is a "personal" site created by the webspace tenant; GoDaddy.com is merely the current hosting service for the site and is not responsible for its content (meaning — they can pull the plug on it at any time if they decide that the content is not to their liking).


If you wish to link to this website, please [Click Here] for information.


A note on the banner ads that appear in this website: they are now actual ads ... no more "just for the fun of it". Now you may advertise on this very website! Learn how by [ CLICKING HERE ]!


There is no such thing as Entrant-Audit Committee Privilege ... if someone in Homeland Security thinks that you are misbehaving we'll give you up in a heartbeat. If you start pestering people on your entry list we will make the call turning you in. Imagine sitting before a panel of bloviating politicians who will be asking "Are you now or have you ever been an entrant in the Caskets on Parade deadpool contest?"
 


Book of the Dead
  • These databases are not an "approved pool" of names that must be used when entering our annual contest; all 7+ billion people on the planet are "fair game" for listing as a selection. However, only stiffs that meet the notability criteria may score points for an entrant.

  • For the benefit of law enforcement worldwide - this website is not some kind of "hit list". It is a dead pool database (there is a difference). First clue - more than half the people listed here are already dead. Second clue - we've been at it for over 30 years. Third clue - it you've read this far you probably should be looking at some other line of work; your deductive skills are lacking.

  • Dates provided fall within their respective calendars (Roman, Julian or Gregorian).

  • Where multiple causes of death are listed, the first is the immediate cause with subsequent items being long-term contributing causes.

  • Deaths in Woodland Hills, California have usually occured at the Motion Picture Home & Hospital.

  • For some notable individuals there may appear to be date-data conflicts between our database and others. These conflicts grow out of the celebrity's own false statements about their birthdates or sketchy records. When a year of birth is in question we always assume the oldest alleged date unless proven otherwise (this results in a lower score in the contest). Also, some people die alone and wait to be "found." In those cases, and absent any forensic evidence to pin down a date, we always use the "date last seen" as the basis for the date of death, NOT the "date found dead." This is especially important when death occurs around the birth date (affecting Age at Death) or the end/start of a year (affecting which contest year they are listed in and/or Uniqueness of Selection).

  • The databases are always growing (subject to the standard "notability" considerations). During the year checking back on a 6 to 8 week basis should be sufficient to catch an entire site update (the least frequent type that occurs). Between complete site updates the less-frequently updated pages will lose synchronization with the frequently updated pages; Recent Obituaries may point to names in a file that will be updated some time later in the month.

  • The master list is broken down in many ways. If you need to search the database for a specific name or word you are advised to select the "Full Listings" file at the end of the "Dead," "Pre-Mortum" or "Other" database groupings; when loaded use your browser's FIND function ([Ctrl]+[F]) to locate a key word or phrase. Since we list full names you are advised to limit your search to one or two words, lower case. For example, a search for "bill clinton" would produce no results, since he is listed as "William Jefferson Blythe Clinton IV" in the database.

    Our computing facility was state-of-the-art ... in 1959! We're sorry we can't offer a better search facility at this time, but the Lottery Fairy hasn't come through with the winning numbers to the Powerball jackpot yet.

  • The web pages comprising the Book of the Dead database are provided by the Caskets On Parade Audit Committee as a common resource for the preparation of future entries into our annual contest. The fact that you may have been directed into this site by a search engine does not establish the website as a public document, meant for consumption by non-dead pool contestants.

  • The information in this database is, to the best of our knowledge, accurate, although some items are intentionally & obviously "nuts" to trip up the lazy college/high school/middle school/home school "scholar" that is too feeble to crack a real book.

  • A database of this size will always contain errors — please report them to The C.O.P. Audit Committee.

  • Some data items contain the entry "??" ... we are hoping that someone out there can enlighten us as to the correct information (usually an age or date).

  • Data in this website comes from a variety of places ... here is a partial list of our sources. The individuals listed in this database have (or would have) met the criteria of "notability" required to score points in the annual contest. Many of the "older" listings (individuals having died prior to 1978) are here either because we wished to provide a "backward" link from references in a still-living or recently deceased individual listing or because we think that they are important enough to warrant inclusion despite the probability that even the dumbest person on Earth wouldn't think they were still alive and put them on next year's entry. The absence of an individual's name from these databases does not imply that they are still alive or dead. The Audit Committee is not responsible for Contest Entrants including Grim Reaper Victim names that do not appear in the "dead" databases but are, in fact, deceased.

  • The editorial content of the obituaries reflect the opinions (flaming and otherwise) of the Audit Committee, not necessarily the website host/data carrier/InterNIC/Al Gore Jr.

  • Some of the content of this website is fictional, made up, outlandishly wrong, total hooie, Bravo Sierra; if you are using this site for academic research, please confirm all data from two or more additional references. We will not be responsible for your academic failure/dismissal/discipline resulting from the usage of the content of this website. Caveat Idiot.

  • The most frequently updated pages involve Recent obituaries, being updated every seven to ten days. Individual alphabetic databases are updated as new data is entered, usually once monthly. The derivative databases are updated on a bi-monthly basis. The last complete site update of the year will occur after the Thanksgiving weekend; if preparing a contest entry the large full-database files should not be consulted after this time since they will not be updated again before entries are due. The last update of the year of individual alphabetic pages will occur by Christmas. The last update of the year of the Recent Deaths page will occur by December 29th.

  • Other websites wishing to link to the database portion of this website are advised to link to the main page only [Click Here] to get the HTML code to make the linkage.

  • The Book of the Dead website and individual pages are ©Copyright MCMLXXVIII through MMXI. Caskets On Parade Audit Committee, All Rights Reserved. Any reproduction, retransmission or other use of the pages & data in this website without the prior express written consent of Al Gore Jr. (you know, he invented the Internet!), Arbuckle F. Brunswick III (Commissioner of Internet Trivia) & Samuel L. Bronkowitz Holdings, Plc. is prohibited.

    denotes a link to an image of a reference document

  • The flipping-page book icon marks a link to a related web page «or» image of a document that was used as a reference source for the creation of that particular entry.

    denotes a link to a disturbing image

  • Name entries that are accompanied by a small cyan ball have a link to a gross and/or disturbing image. DO NOT follow those links if you are in any way offended by images of death.

    to next <whatever>: to previous <whatever>:

  • Name entries that are accompanied by small carats (left and/or right-pointing arrows) are part of an ordered list of individuals and have links pointing to the previous & subsequent persons in that ordered list. The lists are ordered chronologically, not alphabetically. Examples of such lists: Popes of the Roman Catholic Church; U.S. Presidents; NFL Commissioners; Playboy Playmates. Such lists are enumerated in the Miscellaneous data files (such as [Groups] or [Events]).

    to the `Playboy' Interviews

  • The image displayed to the right (the Playboy Rabbit Head logo with a microphone), associated with database entries, indicates that the individuals were the subject of a Full Interview in Playboy magazine; clicking on the image will take you to the master listing of individuals that were interviewed in the magazine & their interviewers.

    to the `Playboy' 20 Questions Interviews The tangerine tinted Bunny Logo image, also associated with database entries, indicates that the individual did a "quickie" 20 Questions interview for Playboy; clicking on the image takes you to the full listing of 20 Questions interview subjects and their interviewers.

    to the list of A.M. Turing Award recipients

  • The small image of Charles Babbage's Difference Engine, associated with database entries, indicates that the individual was the recipient of the Association for Computing Machinery's A.M. Turing Award; clicking on the image takes you to the Table of Turing Award winners.

    to the list of Nobel Prize recipients
  • The small image of the Nobel Prize Award Medallion, also associated with database entries, indicates that the individual was the recipient of a Nobel Prize; clicking on the image takes you to the Table of Nobel Prize winners for the year of their award.

    I am a Dodo!

  • The small image of the Dodo bird signifies someone that we would encourage people to pick for "hate list" entries, not because we really believe that they will be gone any time soon but because we believe that they've already over-stayed their welcome on this planet. Maybe their bad Karma will finally catch up with them.

  • Occasionally, someone sends us "nice" E-mail (the kind that doesn't contain Visual Basic or Active X attachments or Java craplets). We've assembled them here for your perusal.

  • And, beyond the "nice" comments, there are the places that Caskets On Parade turns up. For example, a California State, Chico, Journalism class (Journalism 321 - Public Affairs Reporting). Check out the what the professor posted online in the Spring Semester 2009 class schedule, week 7 Resource ... [ GOOGLE Cache version from March 12, 2009 ] (1.06Mb MHTML file).

  • Statistics about this website's traffic may be found [here].

  • The database includes individuals whose date of birth is in dispute by the Guinness Book of World Records. We have serious problems with the Guinness exclusion criteria; since they themselves have not achieved any kind of certification of legitimacy from any international authority (preferrably the U.N.) their own standing as a certifying agency is nil. E-mail from Guinness apologists challenging our position on this matter will be deleted unread.


Formal C.O.P. Contact Procedures
Any questions concerning these policies must be presented to the Audit Committee in the following manner:
  • Standard Latin-character text;
  • 288-point type;
  • Times Roman typeface;
  • Left justified
  • ¼-meter margins;
  • Engraved on the face of an atomically pure (non-alloy, single isotope), polished, Astatine slab measuring exactly
    • 2 meters in width;
    • 5 meters in length;
    • ½-meter in thickness
  • Transmitted to us within a shipping container composed of:
    • an inner (2-meter thickness) cushion composed of
      • Laminated Bristlecone Pine boards that have been treated:
        • In a retort at 800 atmospheres
        • For a duration of 798 hours
        • At a temperature of 489º Kelvin
        • Employing a fixative agent composed of a mixture produced by blending equal volumes of:
          • baby Harp Seal bile,
          • fermented Snail Darter chum,
          • chilled bottle-nose dolphin marrow,
          • clarified Dodo mucous,
          • turpentine,
          • reagent grade acetone,
          • benzene, and
          • dioxin
    • an outer (10-meter thickness) casing:
      • Composed of solidified Xenon
      • With a 150-nanometer thick veneer of textured Uranium 238
  • The shipping container to be sent:
    • through the United States Mail postal system
    • Registered Mail
    • Package insured for $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00
    • Verified recipient signature required
    • Return Receipt required
    • Next Day Delivery
  • Addressee: Samuel L. Bronkowitz Productions, P.O. Box 666666, East Lansing, MI 48826-6666-66.
Allow 100-billion years for response from the date of receipt by the Audit Committee.


page last updated
11/11/2011